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A glimpse of something

I think a pivotal moment in my life happened at the end of last year.

It was about half a year after I quit my job and left the US. It was the coldest stretch of Toronto’s winter, probably one of the coldest days of one of the coldest winters the city has had. I was walking down a busy street, people hurrying past me. As I walked, I noticed something different.

The cold was there, but I was not consumed by it. I was just next to it.

I think from that moment, something in me began to change, and following that, the life and the world around me changed too.

I was in the grip of an uncertain future, in that great emptiness and pain. And I decided to let it all go.

The journey forward was different.

After I quit my job and moved to Toronto, I wasn’t a software engineer anymore, and I didn’t write or even read a single line of code. Instead, I woke up each day to write, to read, and to create. Almost fifteen years after I dreamed of becoming a writer in undergrad, that life quietly came true for a while. Outside of that, I wandered around the city, tried different pilates studios, met new people, and picked up new fitness hobbies.

I described it as an idyllic life, but I have to admit it was not easy. There were many difficult moments that came with moving to a new city and handling everything alone. I had a hard time managing a few conditions with my health, and really struggled to find healthcare in this new country. Besides, some of the difficulty came from being jobless, which made me realize how much that job was tied to my identity and my sense of worth.

Sometimes I found myself wondering which life is actually harder: the one where you loosen your grip, or the one where you keep pushing yourself past your limits under the weight of expectations. By then I had no job, no work expectations, no immigration fear, no financial pressure, and all the free time I wanted. It was supposed to look so easy, right? Yet I have to admit, it carried a quiet stress underneath that I didn't even recognize at the time.

Well, somehow, I made it work. I found a job again and came back to work as a software engineer. I found an amazing family doctor, and I'm still so grateful for her kind care. I went out for good food in the city I now know so well, and frequently took walks along Toronto's beautiful lakeshore. I made friends in the city and spent time with them. That was when I finally started to call Toronto home.

Looking back now, I’d say things never unfolded the way I imagined, and yet it turned out far more than I could have hoped for.

It was somewhere in that peaceful yet painful gap that I caught a glimpse of something. It was the beginning of me loosening my grip, after years of holding on so tightly to everything I'd built. I chose to let it go, and I learned to surrender. Things feel different now. I’ve started to really live in the present, to listen to the quiet self underneath, and to make my choices bravely, from the voice within.

I found a piece of writing from back then. I’ll always remember that moment.

I think something new happened to me. One day, I felt that strong fear and pain again arose, and I surprisingly noticed that I was able to separate myself from them. I was able to just quietly observe them, feel that intensity but without being consumed. A couple of days later, I realized I could probably extend this practice to all of my emotions. I tried that and found a sense of presence and peace in every moment. It was also probably around that time that I learned to surrender, for my first time in my life, to something higher than me, and trust that it will guide me to where I need to go. I learned to find gaps between my mind and consciousness, and in those gaps I find a sense of stillness and hear the voice that’s speaking to me.

I later realized that experience was probably a glimpse of something. It didn't last long, and I decided not to be attached to it and to let it go, but I think it was something meaningful. I think I started being spiritual for the first time in my life.

The cold hasn’t changed. I walk next to it.